It's a Roller Coaster Ride

Motherhood is a roller coaster ride. I am sure it's different for every mother, but for me personally, it's been alot of ups & downs in my emotions.

One day I may feel very happy & proud that I can pacify joey and put her to sleep when she refused to be put into her cot and wants to be carried. It's such a joy when she falls asleep in my arms because I know she feels safe and secure in her mother's arms.

The next day I may feel at the bottom of the pit when she will wail and wail and refuse to sleep even after I have tried every way & means of pacifying and calming her down. I will feel so discouraged & disheartened when she will keep crying when I carry her but immediately calm down when her grandmother or father carries her. Thoughts of whether my daughter dislikes me or prefers others to me will keep creeping in. At the same time, I feel so lousy of myself that I can't successfully stop her cries.

Then the next day I will be elated again when she smiles when I call her and will stop crying when I cuddle her. And it goes on and on like that everyday for weeks and months. I probably prayed more during this time than I've ever prayed in any part of my life. Whenever she cries, I will also 'cry' out to God to HELP ME! What a roller coaster ride it's been! haha..

But I do know it's all in my own mind. Joey probably doesn't dislike me. She probably does know I am not another auntie, but her own mother. Maybe it's just the way I carry her that makes her uncomfortable. Maybe my voice is too high-pitched and she's soothed by lower voices. Maybes, maybes.

It's funny, but when I become panicky or nervous when I cannot pacify her, she seems to know and will cry even more. That is why sometimes it's so hard to calm her down and I will feel like crying myself. Not because of anything, but simply because I can't bear to see her cry so hard and so much. It's easy to blame myself in times like these. That I am so bad at pacifying my own baby that she got to cry so much & take in so many gulps of air.

Joey is colicky, I think. She has all the symptoms of a colicky baby. She will on most days cry and make a fuss only in the afternoons and evenings. She has alot of gas in her stomach and she keeps stretching herself, especially her legs. A pity the website tells me that there is no way to cure a colicky baby and it will gradually wear off when she reaches 3 months old and by the 4th month, she should be alright. But I am praying everyday and claiming God's healing on her that she will not need to go through the phase till so long. I believe God can heal joey and make life easier for me.

That's motherhood for me. A series of roller coaster rides. But I pray everyday that God will teach me how to be a good mother. How to pacify Joey. How to know what her every cry mean. How to meet her every need. How to make her more comfortable. There're so many things to learn and catch on that I need every inch of wisdom I can get. O God, please teach me!